


deliberations on the theme of you

by Czernyandlynch



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Motorcycles, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Soul Bond, Soulmates, bella goes to therapy, bella reads a self help book, but basically: heres a retelling of twilight from new moon onward, but these idiots share two brain cells and cant figure it out, charlie wises up and tries to shoot bellas ex boyfriend, i am regressing to my middle school self and thats totally FINE, jacob imprints on bella, listen this is dumb and i will make no apologies, this is either going to be way too long or ill never actually finish it, twilight but:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25418209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Czernyandlynch/pseuds/Czernyandlynch
Summary: In Edward’s absence, a devastated Bella has to learn to pick up the pieces and move on with her life. The discovery that recklessness can help her hear Edward’s voice, even see his face, leads to events that will change her story forever.Or, Bella is sent to therapy after her motorcycle accident and learns what it really looks like to love and be loved.A canon divergent retelling of Twilight from New Moon on
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jacob Black/Bella Swan, Jessica Stanley/Angela Weber, Leah Clearwater/Original Female Character(s), Sue Clearwater/Charlie Swan
Comments: 26
Kudos: 43





	1. breakage

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone :) I just rewatched the Twilight series and was inspired to write this after my friend commented that 'so much of these events could have been avoided if Bella had just had some supportive friends and gone to therapy'.  
> As the story develops I'll be updating with some content warnings but for now, know that Bella is dealing with depression and later some panic attacks.

Bella shivered. Distantly, she knew it was a bad thing. Her body should not be shaking the way it was. The cold was bad. She knew that.

But: this felt like an embrace. She thought that maybe if she laid here long enough, her body sunken into the moss the way it was, sticks and rocks digging into her skin, the cold would wrap around her and Edward would be back.

She would be in his arms again, where she belonged. She was so cold. It felt right.

She was so tired. She tried to remember what had happened but her mind felt like a distant, alien thing. Her memories of the afternoon glanced away when she tried to reach for them. Edward had been in her yard, she remembered. He had vanished after her…after her birthday. But when she drove home from school, he had been there. He wanted to talk. She had followed him into the woods, knowing that he could lead her out. Edward always led her out safely. After that he had told her…he had told her…something. Something devastating. She reached for the memory and it flitted away from her.

Bella felt so cold.

There was an icy hollow in her chest where her heart should be.

Bella remembered how he looked, of course. She always did. Standing in front of him in the woods had been like standing in the presence of some otherworldly being, some benevolent god that had decided to grace her with his attention for a moment. 

Oh. Bella remembered.

Her body shook, but it felt like it was happening to someone else. She felt so distant, so removed from herself. Almost like she wasn’t in her body: she was looking down on herself, in her yellow coat, curled in the fetal position in the moss and the ferns. She looked pathetic, probably. Too pale. Too small.

Oh.

Edward had told her that he was leaving Forks. That was it. He was leaving, and so was everyone else.

Everyone…except for Bella.

Edward had told her that she had to stay behind.

That she wasn’t good enough for him, anymore.

And Bella…Bella had known, somewhere in her heart, that this would happen. Every word he spoke rang of the truth. She _knew_ it was true. And it was pathetic, wasn’t it? The way that she had deluded herself for so long?

It made so much sense that this beautiful, intelligent, immortal man would have grown tired of her. Would want to move on.

She was lucky, she knew, that he had paid any attention to her in the first place.

And then he had left. He had made her promise that she wouldn’t do anything reckless – _for Charlie’s sake,_ he said – and then he had gone. Disappeared. Vanished.

And Bella had run after him.

Stupid. She was a stupid girl. She had run off into the woods after a man who told her he didn’t love her anymore, and she had gotten _lost._ She had wandered around in circles until she was dizzy with it, aching with rejection and hurt and so much heartbreak she thought she might burst. And finally, it had gotten dark. And she had tripped. Clumsy, accident-prone Bella.

She had tripped and fallen into the dark and now she was here. On the ground. Bella didn’t think she could move if she wanted to. Her arms felt…heavy. Her head was stuffed with cotton. Bella liked the idea of lying here until the moss grew over her clumsy body, and she became part of the woods herself. Maybe she wouldn’t feel like a hole had been punched through her chest, then.

Bella didn’t think she could stand to hurt this much.

She moved to wipe her cheeks and – oh. She had been crying. Her face was wet. She was cold. She was so tired. She looked out into the darkness and, for a moment, she thought she saw eyes glowing between the trees.

She couldn’t find it in herself to care. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was finally her turn to be selfish.

Bella let herself melt into the ground and pretended, for a second, that she was in bed, and Edward had come in through the window and was lying next to her in bed, his cold arms around her while she fell asleep.

* * *

She awoke to the feeling of warmth seeping through her cold, numb limbs. Someone was carrying her, and they had a body like a space heater. Bella blearily opened her eyes, even though they felt like sandpaper and saw lights up ahead, heard voices murmuring through what must have been her front yard.

“I got her!” The man carrying her shouted. They were suddenly surrounded by a flurry of activity, but it all blurred together. Bella felt her dad take her, his arms around her as he carried her into the house. She saw Jacob Black, out of the corner of her eye, looking at her like she was a ghost.

Maybe she was.

Her dad carried her into the house, up the stairs to her room.

Vaguely she remembered to feel bad. Guilty. Charlie shouldn’t be carrying her. He could hurt himself. She was heavy. She was too much. She wasn’t enough.

Charlie put her on her bed, wrapping her up in a blanket and sitting down heavily next to her, placing a protective hand on her back. Her eyes were so heavy. She was tired and warm, and she began to let the weight of the blanket and her father’s hand lull her into an exhausted sleep.

“What happened out there, Bells? Why were you in the woods?”

Bella tried to answer her dad but couldn’t do more than murmur something undistinguishable before she was blissfully dead to the world.

* * *

In the days after, things didn’t get better.

When she had been carried out of the woods by a man she later learned was named Sam Uley, Bella had been nearly catatonic. She slept for the rest of the night, and then most of the day after. She could barely force herself to leave her bed. Charlie racked up a collection of takeout containers downstairs that Bella could barely force herself to try before returning to bed.

Sleeping wasn’t an improvement. Bella woke up screaming every night without fail, and inevitably woke Charlie up too. She felt bad, seeing the dark circles bloom under his eyes and knowing that her own face mirrored his, but she didn’t know how to stop it.

The dreams. The nightmares.

In some, she was back in the forest. She was reliving Edward’s rejection over and over, stumbling alone after him through the woods, falling to the ground and freezing there, knowing that nobody was coming for her. In some, she begged him to stay. In others she was silent. Passive.

She didn’t know which was worse.

Bella started avoiding mirrors. She hated the hollowness of her eyes in the reflection, the way her skin was pale in a pasty way and not out of some porcelain perfection. The dark circles had become imprinted beneath her eyes.

She found herself mostly sitting in her room, staring out the window. She did her homework, sure, and went to class and sat at lunch in silence (she couldn’t bring herself to talk about anything and her friends seemed okay with letting her sit and listen). Sometimes Angela reminded her to eat when she forgot.

But mostly, Bella came home from school and sat at her chair in the window and watched the breeze ruffle the trees. Sometimes it rained. More often, it snowed. That was really the only way Bella felt herself move forward, propelled always by the passing of time, always a victim of its incessant march.

Maybe so much time alone had made her dramatic.

But it was nice, this time spent looking out the window. Easy. Numb. _It was better this way_ , Bella thought. _Better than the pain._

When something hit too close to the memory of _before_ , when Edward was in her life, it felt like that gaping hole had opened back up in her chest. It was all Bella could do to withstand the storm of it, to breathe through the ache. Eventually, it would subside (it never went away. Just took a step back).

Bella could sit in her chair at the window. Watch the season creep by. Avoid looking at the empty place in her truck where her radio used to be. Pass over eye contact with Charlie when his gaze held too much concern, paste on a smile for her friends, who were trying to be gentle but didn’t _understand_. Probably couldn’t.

But it would be okay.

It would.

Bella could just take things one day at a time.

* * *

Weeks pass this way. It gets colder. Bella knew that she’s been doing better, but she starts piling on blankets at night. When she gets too cold in her sleep, she always wakes up screaming.

She’s eating better, again, too. Her friends have started to notice, and have pushed her a bit more. Weeks ago, she had tried to sit at the Cullen’s old lunch table, all alone. They had followed her there. Nobody said anything, but as Jessica nonchalantly put a granola bar on Bella’s lunch tray, the message was clear: We’re here for you. We aren’t leaving you.

When she was on her way to school one morning (a little late, but it was Friday so it hardly mattered. Or was it Thursday? She couldn’t remember) Charlie confronted her, finally, about everything.

She had hoped to make it to her truck without him noticing, but he had been outside chatting with the neighbor, who was hoisting a pair of old dirt bikes onto the side of the road.

“My wife wants ‘em gone! Oh, hey Bella!” He waved at her, smiling openly like he couldn’t hear her screaming every night in the house next to his.

She waved back. Charlie’s focus was on her in an instant. He cornered her at the driver’s side of the orange monstrosity, where Bella had just gotten the door to the cab open. She looked at him through the open window, letting it provide some distance.

He tried to encourage her to move to _Jacksonville_ , of all places.

“Bells, this kind of behavior…it just isn’t normal, and I don’t know how to help you. I mean, I get it, after your mom left I was in a pretty bad place too but…all the screaming, and the nightmares, Bells…I just want you to be happy again.”

Bella leaned against her truck, looking into her dad’s face, forcing herself to make the eye contact which had become so uncomfortable to her in recent weeks.

“I know, dad, but,” She ran her hand through her hair and looked away. He looked so sad. “I don’t want to leave Forks. I really like it here. I like living with you.”

He thought she would be better back with her mom, but the idea had Bella freezing up. Refusing. She couldn’t leave Forks.

The thought that slammed into her like a train: _what if she left, and the Cullen’s came back?_

They certainly couldn’t follow her to Jacksonville. It was too sunny in Florida for vampires.

And beyond that…if she moved to Jacksonville, what would happen to her? She would just be some other new girl, pale and weird and sad. It was hard enough to feel present around her friends. Her dad. Bella was afraid that if she ripped up what little life she had scraped together in Forks to move to Jacksonville…she would just disappear. Fade into herself until she really was a ghost, translucent under the sun.

So, Bella refused, and when Charlie pressed the issue, asking her when she was going to spend time with her friends outside of school, saying “I know you just go up to your room and sit in that chair, Bells, you need to _do_ stuff.” she made up a story about girls’ night.

“Jessica and I are gonna go shopping. Today. After school.”

“Shopping? You?” Charlie looked like Bella could have told him the whole truth about vampires and he would have found the story more credible.

“…yeah. Shopping. In Port Angeles.” Bella shrugged. “You know Jessica. She swears by retail therapy.”

Charlie ruffled his hand through his hair and chuckled. “Yeah, that makes some sense, I guess. Jessica’s a nice girl. Hey, it’s a Friday night, why don’t y’all see a movie and make an evening of it?”

So it was Friday. Bella had been right.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Thanks, Dad.” Bella smiled at her dad, who was always just trying to do right by her, and opened the door to her truck, hoping she wouldn’t be too late to class.

Charlie watched her get into the cab and tapped the hood with his hand a few times. “Have a good day, kiddo. Go uh, buy some stuff.”

Charlie smiled and walked inside the house as Bella pulled away, already dialing Jessica’s number to ask about her afternoon plans.

* * *

Jessica had jumped at the idea of shopping and a movie, so the details had been ironed out before Bella even pulled into the school parking lot. She went through the day with as much enthusiasm as she could muster for biology and fourth period English Lit, and went home to have a snack before Jessica picked her up. The girls drove to Port Angeles in the afternoon drizzle, listening to the radio while Jessica complained about Mike – apparently, the couple was having some problems. Bella felt bad about not noticing sooner.

“So, yeah, Angela thinks I should just break up with him and save myself the trouble but I don’t know, you know? Boys are just…weird. And I would have more time to run the student council if I wasn’t hanging out watching him play video games all the time…and hang out with Angela…and you, of course! More shopping days with the girls!”

Bella nodded. “Mike’s a nice guy, but he’s kind of immature.”

“Exactly! Just the other day…” Jessica kept talking but Bella let he voice fade into the background a bit, melding with the music as she leaned her head against the window and just enjoyed spending time with her friend. All she had to do was make the occasional encouraging sound and Jessica was content to fill the silence, which worked for Bella just fine. 

* * *

“God, Bella, that movie was gross. Next time I get to pick because I get that you’re all anti-romance right now – totally understandable, I support you 100%, but the zombies!” She shuddered, continuing, “I’m really glad you called me to do this, though! We’ll figure out something else to do next weekend, maybe a sleepover, because you’re really not the best shopper. No offense, but if I hadn’t forced you to try anything on, you wouldn’t have gotten anything! And that sweater looks so cute on you! You used to wear so much blue, and it’s a pretty color but I think green is really a better fit for you.”

 _Edward was the one who liked me in blue_ , Bella thought. She had stopped wearing it when he left. She had never really cared for the color either.

“-Plus, that little bralette set was sooo cute, I’m thinking about going back and getting myself one. I think Angela has a similar one that she really likes, I’ve seen it on her and it looks amazing…” Jessica blushed but carried on talking.

Bella was amazed that Jessica had made it through the two-hour movie in silence, but now that they were free of the movie theater Jessica was done keeping the chatter to a minimum. Bella appreciated it. It was easy to let her voice flow over her like a stream, and she didn’t feel pressured to join in or offer her own opinions. Jessica just wanted someone to listen, and Bella was pretty good at that.

“Hey!” a man’s voice shouted, interrupting Jessica, who jumped. “How’s it going girls?” Bella looked to her right, and saw a group of older, rough-looking guys in leather jackets and ripped shirts standing in front of a biker bar. They all had drinks in hand and hungry eyes.

In a flash, Bella remembered the last time she was in Port Angeles in the evening, when those men had cornered her in a parking lot and…Edward had saved her. This was different – for one, Edward wasn’t around to do that. But the street she and Jessica were walking was well lit and crowded, and they weren’t cornered. Still, it was a little too familiar. A little uncomfortable.

“Wanna go for a ride, baby?” One of the guys had noticed her looking and called out at her. She shook her head.

Jessica tugged at her sleeve. “Ugh, gross. Let’s go, Bella.”

_Walk away, Bella._

She jolted. That…that was Edward's voice. She had heard him. Was she hallucinating? Really?

Bella took a step further into the alley, almost on autopilot.

_Bella. Don’t be reckless._

There is was again. It was unmistakably Edward’s voice, scolding her like he always did.

She took a few more steps into the alley in a daze, the men whooping at her as she got closer.

_Walk away, Bella!_

Like a ghost, Edward appeared in front of her. She jumped, hardly believing her eyes. Maybe she was going crazy. Normal girls don’t see their vampire ex-boyfriends appear in front of them in alleys.

He looked like mist; a hazy god appeared to remind her to _behave_.

_“Remember your promise, Bella."_

_"Don’t be reckless_ ,” he intoned, in his careful voice, and she remembers the promise she made to him in the woods. To stay safe, for Charlie’s sake.

Was this some kind of warning from her subconscious? That she was about to do something dangerous? Bella stared at the apparition, and every step she took toward danger made him clearer. Sharper.

If she did something reckless, could she see him again? Hear his voice?

 _Bella._ It was a warning. 

The sound rushed through her veins like a drug.

Without warning, a sharp tug on her hoodie pulled Bella out of her stupor. Jessica grabbed Bella by the scruff of her neck and dragged her bodily away from the bar. For someone so petite, she’s stronger than Bella would have expected. _For a human. Guess being captain of the volleyball team actually means something._

“I can’t believe you! Were you actually going to go down there? Bella, what the hell!”

Bella realized that Jessica has been scolding her the entire time as she dragged her toward the spot where they parked the car.

“What were you thinking? Those guys were _nasty_!”

Bella shook her head. She hadn’t been thinking – she had been overwhelmed by the presence of Edward’s ghost, the apparition which had appeared just to scold her. “I thought I knew those guys, but…I must have been wrong.”

Jessica scoffed and shook her head.

Bella stopped and looked Jessica in the eyes. She really did look concerned.

“I’m sorry, Jess. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Well,” Jessica huffed, unlocking the car and checking the back seat as she opened the driver’s side door. “It’s a good thing you didn’t actually know them! Honestly, Bella, they looked sketchy as hell – what were you going to do, get on the back of some random pervert’s motorcycle?”

Bella chuckled and slid into the shotgun seat, buckling her seatbelt. “Definitely not.” The girls pulled out of the parking spot and onto the road, Jessica determined to get out of Port Angeles and back to Forks before they ran into more creeps, but Bella was still replaying the moment when Edward had appeared.

His voice had sounded so real. Her whole body ached to hear it, and the hole in her chest (always there, sometimes just less painful) felt like it had receded a little bit.

She thought about the dirt bikes her neighbor had left on the side of the road, scrap that his wife wanted gone.

It wasn’t the same as getting on the back of some random guy’s bike outside a bar but…motorcycles themselves were pretty reckless. She had seen Edward scoff at the teenage guys who rode them at the high school.

(“You humans are so fragile,” he had observed once, tracing a finger down the side of her face. “Getting on a bike like that is just asking for an accident.”)

Bella grinned. The idea had potential. It could be fun. And she knew exactly who to ask for help.


	2. slowly growing back together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella takes the bikes to Jacob and starts to build a new normal for herself

The next morning was a cloudy, grey Saturday, which was pretty typical for Forks. Bella woke up to dim light filtering through the clouds and the sound of Charlie puttering around the house, earlier than normal. She stretched and rolled over, but when she couldn’t go back to sleep, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and got up, shrugging a sweatshirt on over her pajamas.

Her little purple alarm clock told her it was about 7:30, and she made a face when she left her room. Saturdays should be for sleeping in, she grumbled to herself, heading downstairs.

Charlie was in the kitchen, filling a travel mug with coffee. He looked up at the sound of her feet on the staircase. “Hey, morning kiddo. Was I too loud?”

“Nah,” Bella shook her head, reaching for the coffee pot. “I forgot to close the curtains last night. The light woke me up.”

Charlie made a “hmm” sound as he sipped his coffee. “Well, I got called in today – some business with hikers going missing. You gonna be good on your own today?”

Bella nodded, grinning. “I was actually thinking about going to hang out with Jacob today.”

“Really?” Charlie looked…way too pleased about that, actually. Bella filed that away for further notice. “That’s a great idea, Bells. Tell Billy hi for me, will you? I owe him a fishing trip.”

Charlie ruffled her hair and reminded her to eat some breakfast before she headed over to the rez, and was out the door. Bella pulled aside the curtain a bit, just enough to watch him get into his cruiser and back out the driveway and down the street. She smiled to herself – she had been a bit worried that with Charlie around, she wouldn’t be able to load the bikes in her truck before they got picked up with the rest of the trash. This was perfect timing.

Bell made herself a hasty bowl of cereal to go with her coffee and left the bowl very conspicuously in the sink, so Charlie could see proof of her breakfast. He had been watching her pretty closely since Edwa – _he_ – had left, and Bella had turned into a bit of a zombie.

She looked down. Her arms had wrapped tightly around her torso. Just the involuntary thought of _him_ and her chest ached. Bella hunched over the counter, squeezing her arms tightly around herself, and then consciously took a deep breath in. She forced her body to relax and straightened up. She had things to do. She wasn’t going to let anything ruin it, not even herself. Bella shook her head in an attempt to clear her thoughts, and headed upstairs to get dressed.

* * *

Loading the bikes in the back of her truck turned out to be…a bit more of a challenge than she had originally anticipated. They were _heavy_. Bella would have given anything to be something other than a weak human: super strength would be pretty damn handy to have most of the time. Even when she managed to hoist them up and into the bed, a couple of metal bits, well, fell off. She really hoped Jake would know what to do about them, tossing the errant parts in the back with the junk bikes in case they were necessary (Bella truthfully had no idea) and stretched a tarp over the top of them. It had started to drizzle after she loaded the first bike, making her attempt to get the second one in the truck even more of a challenge.

She wiped her hands on her jeans and swung herself into the cab of her truck. She drove to the rez in silence. She hadn’t been able to listen to the radio in her truck since she had…ripped it out. She hummed instead, tapping on the steering wheel with an absentminded finger. The prospect of seeing Jacob was exciting. She had seen him on her birthday, when he brought her the dream catcher (which now hung above her bed, although she had seen no evidence it really worked). He had been there when Sam Uley found her in the woods. Occasionally she and Charlie would have dinner at the Black’s house, or Jacob would come drive Billy over in the mornings for game day. Those were always good days. Jacob was – warm. Happy. He made something deep inside of her light up, just a bit. She wished that he went to Forks High with her, so they could spend more time together, but Jake was a junior at the rez school. She always had a nice time when he was around, and he never put too much pressure on her. Jake was someone she could just sit in silence with and be totally comfortable – although the silence never lasted too long before he made some dumb joke, but those were nice too.

* * *

She made it to Jacob’s house without incident. It was a pretty familiar route for her at this point. As she pulled up next to the curb and put the truck into park, Jacob appeared at the door. Bella hopped out of the cab and waved, only making it halfway up the lawn before she was quickly engulfed in a big, warm Jacob hug. She grinned and laughed as her toes left the ground and Jacob spun her around, his strong arms lifting her with ease.

_Damn,_ she thought, _when did Jacob get so strong?_

He put her down and she ran a hand through her hair as she looked up at him (like, craned her head up at him), his smile infectious.

“Hey, Bells. This is a nice surprise.”

He smiled down at her but didn’t step back like most people would have after a hug. Jacob just like to be near people, she supposed.

“Yeah, sorry, maybe I should have called but Charlie got called in today and I thought we could hang out.” She shrugged.

Jacob waved his hand and told her, “No way, you know you’re welcome here anytime. I’m glad you came over.”

Bella felt herself flush, just a bit. It was nice to be welcome.

“So,” she trailed off. “I have – well, I have a kind of crazy idea. I was hoping you could help me with it.”

Jacob perked up, interest glinting in his eyes. “You know I’m up for anything, Bells. What is it?”

Instead of answering, Bella just gestured for him to follow her to the bed of the truck. She stopped with her hand on the tarp.

“Okay. You need to tell me if this is too crazy, but the one rule is that…we don’t tell Charlie.”

Jake whistled and rubbed his hands together, considering, but the interest in his face doubled.

“Out with it, loca. What’s under the tarp?”

Bella pulled the tarp back to reveal the two bikes. Jake chuckled. “Oh, honey, you shouldn’t have. Scrap metal? For me?”

Bella groaned and reached out to shove his shoulder but barely budged him. He caught her hand and spun her around, catching her hands when she stumbled. Bella stuck her tongue out at him.

“Real mature, Bells.” He rolled his eyes and let her go, confident she could stand on her own.

Bella tilted her chin up snobbily, “Well, I am older than you, after all.”

She turned back to the bikes. “Look – I know they’re junk, and they may never run, but…I really need something to do. A project. Something fun. And since I know such a talented mechanic, I thought maybe he might help me with it.” She nudged his shoulder. He smiled a bit at the compliment, running a hand through his hair.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, Bells, I’m down to help. I’m just worried they’ll cost more to fix than they’re really worth.”

Bella shrugged. “I have some money saved up from working at Newton’s, I’d be willing to pay for whatever parts we need. And in exchange for getting them running, you can keep one.”

He looked at her. “Shit, Bella, seriously?”

“Hey, language!”

He rolled his eyes and jumped up into the bed of the truck, looking over the bikes critically. “These could actually run,” he mused, running his hand across one of the bikes, kneeling to inspect the engine. He poked at it for a bit, but whatever he saw must have satisfied him. He hopped down. “I’m in.”

“Really?” Bella grinned, feeling lighter than she had in a while.

“Yeah, of course. Who knows what other crazy scheme you would come up with? At least this way I can keep an eye on you. You need adult supervision, Swan.” He ruffled her hair and she swatted his hand away. “I’m older than you!” she protested. 

“But I’m so much more mature than you! Okay, let’s get these into the garage before Billy see’s ‘em. He’ll tattle to Charlie in a heartbeat.”

Bella went to undo the straps she had used to keep the bikes secure while she drove from Forks. “Careful, though, getting them into the truck was a pain. They’re really –“

Jacob grabbed one of the bikes and pulled it off the truck bed, setting it down on the ground with ease.

“-heavy.” Bella stared. “Holy _biceps_ , Jake, have you been working out?”

He smirked at her. “Nah, baby, I’m just growing up.”

Bella scoffed and looked away, trying to ignore the way her face was warm. Growing up, indeed. The two of them wheeled the bikes away from her truck and up the path to the garage, where Jake’s Volkswagen Rabbit sat, engine partially deconstructed, evidence of Jake’s work clear.

Bella deposited the bike into the space Jake gestured to, and he put his next to it, a space in the middle so they were both accessible, but far enough from the entrance that nobody would be able to see the bikes if they were casually glancing through the garage door. Billy might not be able to maneuver his wheel chair into the garage, but Charlie was here often enough that it might pay to be a bit paranoid. Bella jogged back to the truck to grab the few parts that had fallen off, and managed to get caught in the rain that came down unexpectedly right as she reached the truck. She made it back to the garage before she was totally drenched, but that didn’t stop Jacob from laughing at her while she pulled off the soaked flannel which she had on over a henley.

“You look like someone drowned a kitten, Bells.”

She balled up the shirt and threw it at his face but he caught it with ease, smirking. “See? Immature.” He went to the Rabbit and opened the passenger door, pulling out a big hoodie. He reached out like he was going to hand it to her, and then threw it at her instead. It hit her squarely in the face, and she yelped in shock.

She pulled it off her head to see Jacob shaking with laughter.

Bella shook her head and groaned, “Who’s the immature one now? Ugh, what I wouldn’t give for better reflexes.” She pulled the hoodie on over her Henley, which was mostly dry, and the way it dwarfed her was almost comical.

But it was warm. And it smelled nice.

Bella felt Jacob’s eyes on her, but refused to look up. Instead she circled one of the bikes and sat down on the couch that Jacob had dragged into the garage years ago, propping her feet up on a milk carton.

“So, what’s the plan?”

Jacob stepped around the couch and crouched in front of one of the bikes, looking at it critically. “Well, we’ll have to take it apart and clean it up. Clean the parts off, check for wear and replace some things. Hopefully then we can put it back together and it’ll run.”

Bella nodded, but she had absolutely no idea how to do anything mechanical. She was going to be very out of her depth.

Jacob saw her expression and chuckled softly. Luckily, Bella always had the impression that instead of laughing at her, Jacob was laughing with her. Like they were sharing a private joke.

“Don’t worry about it honey, you can keep me company while I take them apart, and I can show you how to put this one back together,” he patted the bike “and then you can help me with the other one.”

Jake sounded pretty confident with the plan, so Bella agreed easily. She spent the afternoon in his garage, passing him tools and reprimanding him for his language. Before she knew it, it was evening, the sun already set, and the bike was disassembled. Jake had everything neatly laid out on a tarp in front of the bike, and was making notes on a pad of paper, deciding which parts were going to need replacing. The rain had let up sometime, although Bella couldn’t pinpoint the moment when the shudder of raindrops on the roof had passed and left the two of them alone.

She stood up from the couch and stretched. “I didn’t realize it was so late,” she said, gesturing to the open door of the garage. Jake glanced outside and looked surprised to see that it was dark outside. He smirked up at her from his spot on a spare milk carton. “You know what they say. Time flies when you’re doin’ nothin’.”

“Hey!” Bella buried her hands in the pocket of Jake’s hoodie, which she had neglected to take off. “Don’t forget that I passed you tools all day. I’ll do something more involved when you teach me how.”

Jake chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. Bella allowed herself a moment of envy over it: it was just so long, and soft looking, and she kind of wanted to know what kind of conditioner he used.

“You’ll learn soon, my young padawan. But since I know more, I think that makes me officially older.”

She scoffed. “No way, Jake. I’ve got you beat. I’ve got like, four real life months on you. Plus, I read more books than you do. I’m winning.”

Bella had no idea why she was suddenly so set on being the older of the two, since she had always been so leery of aging for such a long time. For the past year and a half, she had been ready to cast mortality to the side, desperate to escape the inevitability of growing old. Now…joking about it with Jake felt safe.

“What are you trying to say, Swan?” Jake smirked, and stood up. He was suddenly towering over her. Had he grown since he sat down? It was ridiculous.

He took a step closer and looked down at her, his eyes laughing.

“How many Jane Austen novels do I have to read before I can claim my rightful title as the eldest?”

“At least three,” Bella said, taking a small step back.

Jake had gotten…a little too close. There was always something a little too intense in his eyes, when he looked at her. There was a part of Bella that thrilled at it, something low in her belly. Another part shied away. It was way too soon. She was still a broken thing, too cold to be held. Jake could do better than her.

“I should get home to Charlie,” Bella said. “He’s expecting me for dinner.”

Jake nodded, disappointment flashing across his face before quickly being replaced by his usual cheer. “Of course, yeah, it’s gotten late. I’ll walk you to your truck.”

Bella smiled. “Thanks. Oh, and before I forget, make sure to tell Billy hi from Charlie. He says they need to go fishing soon.”

Bell went to the bench to grab her flannel, which had dried over the course of the afternoon but had been forgotten in favor of Jake’s giant hoodie.

“Thanks for letting me borrow your hoodie, by the way.” She stuffed her flannel into her backpack and went to take his hoodie off, but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

“Keep it,” he said.

“Are you sure? I can just give it to you now. Or…I can wash it at home, if that’s better.”

Jake raked his eyes down her body, dwarfed by the dark green sweatshirt, and shrugged. “It’s colder out now, I can’t have you freezing on your way home to Charlie. He’d arrest me!” Jake grinned and she smiled back. “He wouldn’t arrest you,” Bella rolled her eyes. “But you might get a very stern talking to.”

“Exactly,” Jake nodded “I live in fear of those.”

He threw an arm over her shoulder and walked her out of the garage and down the path to her truck. It had gotten colder since the sun went down and the rain stopped, but Bella felt comfortable with the hoodie on and Jake’s heavy arm slung across her shoulders. She turned and gave him a hug when they reached her truck.

“Thanks for agreeing to help me with this, Jake. I had a really nice time hanging out with you today.”

He wrapped his arms around her and tucked her head under his chin. Bella felt him take a deep breath, and let it out, breathing against her.

“You know I’ve always got your back, right honey? Whatever you need.”

Bella nodded into his chest. “Yeah.”

“Good,” Jake pulled away from the hug, his hands lingering at her sides, and then ruffled her hair.

“I’ll text you when I’m home, okay? Maybe we can figure out a good time to hang out again.”

Jake’s face lit up. “That sounds great. Drive safe, Bells.”

She nodded and got into her truck. Jake headed up the lawn to his house and she pulled away from the curb, and when she checked her mirror, he was standing on the porch, silhouetted by the light of the front door.

* * *

It became routine. Whenever Bella didn’t have school, or a shift at Newton’s, she would hop in her truck and drive out to the rez, where Jacob always waited with a smile. Along with snacks, she started bringing homework or a book to read out loud while Jake worked, telling Charlie that she and Jake were studying together. She tried to ignore how pleased he seemed by that, almost never asking her when she would be home. She was always back in time to make dinner, but she got the impression that Charlie would almost have preferred that she was late.

She wasn’t sure what Jacob was doing spending all his free time with her (did his friends feel neglected?) She couldn’t bring herself to feel guilty for monopolizing him. Jacob was like her own personal sun. She did actually make him do homework when they took breaks from the bikes – she was pretty sure if they did start to fall behind in school, Charlie and Billy would get over their gossipy, meddlesome tendencies and crack down, and then Bella would lose the bikes and Jacob.

As she put a lasagna in the oven Friday evening, Charlie watching some sports game in the living room, Bella knew she should dissuade him from whatever impression he had gotten (she and Jake were just friends, no matter what Charlie thought), but that would mean having a discussion about it, and Bella was leery of acknowledging it. To speak about it out loud would make it more real than Bella was comfortable dealing with. She knew Jake had a crush on her, when she had been dating Edwa- _him_. But Bella wasn’t sure what she felt for him. Especially now. She felt like her heart had forgotten how to love someone like that.

Jake had always been cute. She had felt at ease with him from the moment she met him, right after moving to Forks. When he told her that they had made mud pies together as kids, all Bella could think was, _of course_. It just made sense.

But then Bella had been so wrapped up in _him_ , nobody else had even registered. When she had been without Edward, everything had been foggy and dim. It was as though Bella had taken off prescription glasses and tried to navigate the world half blind – Edward made the world sharper, brought everything he touched into laser focus.

Just thinking his name brought that hollowness in her chest out with a vengeance.

Bella squeezed her arms tighter around her middle, realizing that they had been wrapped there for some time now. She felt like her heart, her lungs, had been stolen.

Could you report a vampire for theft?

Bella wondered if this is what breakups were always like. _How can people stand to love,_ she wondered, _knowing that this is the aftermath?_

The timer on the oven _dinged,_ signaling that the lasagna was finished.

Bella took it out of the oven, careful not to burn herself even as her mind wandered elsewhere.

She had seen people go through breakups before. _For the love of God, Jessica and Mike broke up a few weeks ago and neither of them seem devastated over it,_ Bella mused.

She had seen how people had looked at her, once the story got out and the whole town of Forks learned that Bella Swan and Edward Cullen had broken up.

(And that she had been found late that night, alone and on the edge of hypothermia, unexplainably deep in the woods behind her house, had been mute for days afterward, the Cullen’s having just…vanished.)

That wasn’t _normal_.

Maybe something really was wrong with her.

* * *

Bella woke up early on Sunday out of habit. She had the occasional shift at Newton’s on Sundays, but Mrs. Newton liked to keep her and Mike on more limited schedules during the school year, so she mostly worked Tuesdays and Thursdays.

She wandered downstairs to find that Charlie had already packed up his things, and headed to the station early. He had been putting in a lot of extra time at work, especially since he seemed confident that Bella was now spending her free time with Jacob, instead of sitting in a chair and staring out the window like a zombie.

She made herself some breakfast and sat down at the table, pulling out her phone to text Jacob.

_hey!_

_what are your plans for the day?_

She spooned some cereal into her mouth and opened up her copy of Romeo and Juliet, which they were reading in her Literature class. She made it a few pages before her phone dinged with Jacob’s reply.

_hanging with u, duh_

Bella’s lips curled up into a smile as she texted him back (cool : ) see you in 30!) and slid her book into her backpack where it rested on the kitchen table. She finished her breakfast and puttered around the kitchen a bit, clearing off the counters and filling the dishwasher. She went upstairs to grab a few folders off her desk that held her homework for the next couple weeks. It was truly amazing how ahead you could get on homework when you did it all in advance.

Bella checked her bag to make sure she had everything she needed and then paused. Should she return Jake’s sweatshirt? The last two times she had tried, the garage door always ended up open and she had been bundled up in it when she inevitably started shivering. Jacob didn’t seem to even want it back all that badly – he was always so warm anyway. Bella blushed, remembering the way he had looked at her one evening.

(The garage had been lit by dim light, the sun already set. Charlie was having dinner at the diner with Billy, so she wasn’t needed home for a while. She and Jake had ordered a pizza and laid on the couch, taking a break from the bikes to play card games. Jacob was surprisingly good – she couldn’t figure out how to tell when he was bluffing. She knew her tells were written all over her face, especially when he snorted before she even laid down her cards: “are you even trying to fool me, Bells?” he had teased her, laughing softly. She had thrown popcorn at him, bundled against the evening chill in his sweatshirt. Later, when she was heading home, she tried to hand it back to him. He had just rolled his eyes and pushed it back into her hands. “No way,” he had said, “green is totally your color.” When she had protested –“it is _not_ ”- he had just ruffled her hair and opened the door to her truck for her, his hand resting on top of the frame as he smiled at her in the soft evening light. “It looks better on you anyway, honey.” )

Bella came to the conclusion that she may be in trouble. But – maybe this was the okay kind. The kind she could deal with.

Not “a super strong, immortal supernatural creature is obsessed with my death” trouble.

Just… “my best friend may have a crush on me” trouble.

She could deal with that.

Jake had never made her uncomfortable or pushed her for anything she wasn’t ready for. He knew she couldn’t handle this kind of thing right now, right? Bella wasn’t exactly in the kind of place where she could lose her best friend. She would have to just – make her boundaries clear. She could do that. How hard could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow thank you all so much for your responses! This is a very fun quarantine project for me but I'm so happy ya'll are reading along! Please let me know what you think :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :) Let me know what you think!


End file.
